I started school yesterday and it was exhilarating, overwhelming, anxiety inducing, emotionally draining and I loved every second. Well, up until the horrible dehydration headache I got during my last class. I have never felt so “at home” in a social setting as I did amongst the faculty and students of the program. All of my initial instincts were correct, after over 3 years of researching schools, this is where I was meant to be.
There was a lot of time during orientation that was devoted to informing us how much our lives were going to change in the next few years as we begin our commitment to counseling. We were warned that from now on our relationships are in jeopardy. Our friendships, marriages, love relationships and families were at risk because no one can make this journey without changing, without growing.
I think about how much I changed as an undergrad studying gender, sex, race, class and other identity politics. My entire foundation shifted out from under me and my world has since been different. How much more could possibly change? I don’t mean to say that I am anywhere near perfection but I already have difficulty relating with individuals outside of my “progressive bubble” (which is NOT to say that I an arrogant enough to see myself as better or smarter, I just see things differently).
I hated junior college. I dubbed myself the “ugly goth girl”. You know, the one that sits in the back of the class avoiding eye contact, chewing her hair…When I began CSUF, things were slightly different. I still avoided eye contact and speaking to anyone but I no longer chewed my hair and I grew out of the “I’m-so-punk-I-don’t-need-to dress-to-impress-or-even-shower” and began to enjoy school. It wasn’t until I switched from my Sociology major to the Women’s Studies dept that I fell head over heals in love with academia. I was surrounded by intelligent, open minded, passionate and beautiful women (and men!) I began to come “out of my shell” and form relationships and express opinions without fear of (harsh) judgement. I met two of my favorite people in the world because of that experience. Nicole and Richard, I’m talking about you!
Fast forward to my first day as a graduate student. I don’t know that I will have time for clubs or activism this time around but I am already building relationships within the program. My heart doesn’t attempt to leap out of my chest with anxiety when I speak in class. I’m not surrounded by card carrying feminists but I am part of a community of people that believe in, promote and live out empathy and love.
It feels good to be back.
